Step Four:
Develop Your Assertiveness
Skills
As we have learned in the previous chapters, we all express our anger in some way, either inwardly or outwardly. The most common types of behavioural and verbal expression fall into three categories: aggressive, passive or assertive. Of course, there are those we know as passive-aggressive or social deviants (like our friend with antisocial personality disorder from the last chapter, “I wanna kill the guy”). Unfortunately, the behaviours associated with those “splinter factions” are for the most part outside the scope of this book.
Before
I start defining or describing the three major categories of expression, let’s
do a little self-evaluation to determine your own “Assertiveness Quotient”.
ü When someone treats
you poorly, do you call it to his/her attention?
ü Do you finish other
people’s sentences for them?
ü Are you reluctant
to speak up in a discussion or debate even when you have strong opinions on the
subject?
ü If a friend is late
returning borrowed money, books or clothing, do you mention it?
ü Do you continue an
argument even after the other party has indicated they want to stop?
ü Do you frequently
step in and make decisions for others?
ü Are you able to
refuse unreasonable requests from your friends?
ü Do you frequently
avoid people or situations for fear of embarrassment?
How did
you rate on these questions? When you
were asking yourself these, were you trying to decide in your mind whether your
response indicated your passiveness, aggressiveness or your assertiveness
levels? Which of these questions if
answered “no” or “yes” indicate a high level of assertiveness?
What do you think assertiveness means? We all have pictures in our mind of aggressive people and passive people. (Think, for instance, of Popeye and Olive, or Tarzan and Jane. Perhaps you remember your “strong, silent” grandfather, and your harping grandmother.) What does an assertive person look like? Let’s first clarify what are aggressiveness and passivity, and then we will define and describe assertiveness.
What do you think assertiveness means? We all have pictures in our mind of aggressive people and passive people. (Think, for instance, of Popeye and Olive, or Tarzan and Jane. Perhaps you remember your “strong, silent” grandfather, and your harping grandmother.) What does an assertive person look like? Let’s first clarify what are aggressiveness and passivity, and then we will define and describe assertiveness.
Aggressiveness
The
aggressive individual has little or no consideration for the rights and
feelings of other people. Aggression can
be indirect in the form of gossip, gestures, or sarcasm; or it can be direct in
the way of verbal or physical assault, threats, name calling, public
humiliation, hostile remarks, yelling or throwing things. The aggressive person may achieve his/her
goals, but at others’ expense. Sure the aggressive person is expressing his/her
feelings, but hurts other people in the process. Aggressive people may try to make choices for
others. Those around the aggressive people may feel taken advantage of,
humiliated, abused or embarrassed.
The
aggressive person may feel self-righteous, justified, superior, and in control;
and the intent of aggressive behaviour is to dominate or humiliate. This sounds like a terrible profile to have
associated with one’s character, right?
So why would anyone want to engage in aggressive behaviours? Because there is a payoff!
Remember
this, everything a person does, he does for a reason. If we were not meeting at least some of our
needs by doing certain behaviours, we would not do them! Also, remember that people will do what makes sense to them. William Glasser maintains there is no such
thing as common sense, and in some ways I believe this statement to be
true. If being verbally abusive brings
the desired results (or makes sense), then why change?
The
negative consequences of the behaviour are not as powerful an influence for
change as are the immediate consequences (getting what you want and having
control). The payoffs for using
aggressive behaviour are being able to vent the negative energy of anger while
feeling superior, powerful and in control.
Need I describe the negative outcomes of using this style? Why not take a blank piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you think this style would be damaging to an individual who chooses to use it. You can feel free to use the descriptions of the anger styles from Step One to help you.
Need I describe the negative outcomes of using this style? Why not take a blank piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you think this style would be damaging to an individual who chooses to use it. You can feel free to use the descriptions of the anger styles from Step One to help you.
Passive (Non-assertive)
The
passive person has trouble expressing his/her wants, needs, ideas, feelings and
opinions; or expresses them in a self-depreciating way. We have all heard someone say, “This is
probably a stupid question but…” That has got to be the classic self-deprecating remark. This type of individual not only has to deal
with the reality of hardly ever getting what she wants, but s/he also has to
cope with the guilt, anxiety and disappointment of constantly battling between
wanting to be heard and being too afraid to speak out.
Sometimes,
the passive person feels superior; “keeping the peace” is his way of having
significance and power. He could rock the boat if he really wanted
to, but he is bigger and better than all of that, right?
The passive person
may deny himself or put himself down, does not express his real feelings, often
feels hurt and anxious, allows others to choose, and seldom gets what he really
wants. The intent of these types of
behaviours is to please others. The
message this individual sends to the world is, “I’m not okay, but you sure
are.”
Passive
people might rationalise their behaviour by calling the result a Class Two
experience: remember, it doesn’t feel good, but is good for you, good for
others and serves the greater good… But we have to keep in mind that the greater good, must somehow serve us as
well. Being passive does not feel good;
this is true. Is it good for you? Ask Sue who has to take her ulcer medication
three times a day. Is it good for
others? Sure, if the “others” are
aggressive types. Everything may look
good on the surface, but if the passive person is left with guilt and anxiety,
and the “others” can only feel irritation, pity or disgust with his or her lack
of spunk, then passive behaviours do not
serve others or the greater good.
Again,
we ask the question “why?” Why do people use this style? The payoff is that in volatile situations,
the peace is maintained (at least on a superficial level). Unpleasant situations, conflicts, overt
tension and confrontations are avoided when the passive approach is utilised.
Assertiveness
Before
we get too much deeper into the discussion of assertiveness, allow me to share
this story. About two years ago I
wrenched my back quite badly after a day of digging up my garden. I was suffering from intense pain, so I
booked appointments with both my chiropractor and my massage therapist. The appointment with my massage therapist was
first, and he applied heat to my back as he always did prior to “torturing”
me. He then told me to come back the
next day. I went directly from there to
my chiropractor who very assertively expressed his displeasure that the massage
therapist had applied heat to my back!
The heat had swollen my muscles to the point that the chiropractor could
not manipulate my back into its proper position. He commanded me to return the next day, and
to let the massage therapist know that he should not apply heat to my back.
Now, the
problem was this. My massage therapist
was a very outspoken, direct kind of guy.
He was outspoken almost to the point of being aggressive in his manner. He was the type of guy who would greet you by
saying, “Okay, go in there and get undressed,
okay!” If he didn’t like what I was
reading while I got my massage, he would remove it without asking and say
something like, “You don’t wanna read that garbage! Here, I’ll show you my pictures of my wife
and me in Vegas. Here. Take this brochure home to your husband and
tell him he better take you there for your next anniversary. See this ring? Me and my wife got matching ones when we got
married again at the little white chapel…” He never took “no” for an answer, or
that is how it seemed. Although very
good at what he did, he had no
bedside manners whatsoever!
The strangest thing happened when my
chiropractor told me I had to “confront” the massage therapist. I was honestly afraid to do it. The next day,
I got up and went to work fighting this incredibly overwhelming anxiety all the
way. I even thought about calling the
massage therapist to cancel the appointment so I wouldn’t have to deal with
asking him not to use heat. It was about 10 minutes prior to my appointment
when I realised that I had to “get a grip”.
Here I was, an assertiveness trainer struggling with exercising my right
of consumer choice!
To make
a long story short, my anxiety upon entering the massage therapist’s office was
just about to reach maximum levels. But
I decided that pain relief was more important to me than keeping the peace with
my massage therapist. So, I very bravely
approached him and said, “Uh – my chiropractor says I shouldn’t have heat
applied to my back before an adjustment, so if you don’t mind, could you just
adjust me without using the heat pads first?”
Would you believe he patted my shoulder and said, “Good for you! Okay, no heat, just go in and get undressed, okay!” Despite my anxiety, I took the assertive
option and won. You see, even after
years of practising AND preaching assertiveness, I still needed a reminder that
assertiveness works.
The
assertive person expresses her wants, ideas, needs and feelings in direct and
appropriate ways. The assertive person
is honest, and while she speaks her own mind, does not hurt others
intentionally. The assertive person
chooses for herself what she wants, and often achieves her goals; she allows
others to move toward achieving their goals.
She is not intimidated by the progress of others, because she respects herself
as much as she respects others. The
message she sends is, “I’m okay, and so are you.”
Typically, other people like assertive
people, because they don’t play games, they don’t try to intimidate and they
don’t try to make you feel guilty. Their
intent is to communicate, not to dominate.
They feel confident and good about themselves and they tend to make
others feel respected and valued.
What is
the obvious payoff for this type of expression?
Well, let’s see… other people respect us, we respect ourselves, we often
get what we want since we are brave enough to ask, we feel good, other people
feel good about us, and when they are around us, we have good relationships, we
have improved self-confidence… It appears to me that assertive behaviour is the
behaviour of choice!
There is one challenge though. If assertive behaviour doesn’t make as much
sense to us as aggressive or passive behaviours do, then it won’t be our behaviour of choice! Let’s return for a moment to the questions
asked at the beginning of this chapter.
To which questions did you answer “yes”, and to which did you answer
“no”? Why do you do the things you
do? What is it about that kind of
behaviour that makes you repeat it over and over again? How does it make you feel when you are in the
middle of expressing yourself a certain way?
The way you feel when you are using a certain style of expression, or
behaviour, is the key to understanding why you continue to use it. Do you feel safe? In control? Protected? Secure? If the reason we act a certain way is
that it makes sense to us, you must
figure out how your behaviours make sense for you.
u
If assertive behaviour doesn’t
make as much sense to us as aggressive or passive behaviours do, then it won’t
be our behaviour of choice!
u
Martin
Luther King Jr. in a letter written while he was imprisoned in a Birmingham,
Alabama jail said this, “Frankly,
I have yet to engage in a direct-action campaign that was “well timed” in the
view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of
segregation.” What was he testifying
to? That people must experience a high
degree of dissatisfaction before
they will be motivated to change their circumstances!
If you are not experiencing a high level of unhappiness, frustration or dissatisfaction with your present circumstances or coping methods, you will not be motivated to do anything about them. Glasser describes it as a “frustration signal”, that which is the motivation for action. Robbins calls it “leverage”. No matter what you call it, it means the same thing – if we are to change our behaviours, it must make sense to us.
If you are not experiencing a high level of unhappiness, frustration or dissatisfaction with your present circumstances or coping methods, you will not be motivated to do anything about them. Glasser describes it as a “frustration signal”, that which is the motivation for action. Robbins calls it “leverage”. No matter what you call it, it means the same thing – if we are to change our behaviours, it must make sense to us.
Think
about it. It was after 400 years of
slavery that the children of Israel
made the move to get out of Egypt. And look at how much convincing it took them
to go! It was after over 340 years of
oppression and unfair treatment towards blacks that one tired seamstress from Montgomery, Alabama
decided she had had enough of racial segregation, and refused to give up her
bus seat to a white passenger. Just how
dissatisfied are you with your passive or aggressive behaviours?
We
can sometimes experience righteous anger, and still struggle with finding
appropriate ways of dealing with it. It
happens all the time. People are treated
unfairly at work, and they are justified in their anger, but they respond by
stirring the rumour mill or by trying to sabotage the person who makes them
angry. Someone is deliberately cut off
on the highway, and decides to respond to his justifiable anger by chasing down
the bad driver and beating him with a baseball bat (which was conveniently
stored in the trunk).
Just because your anger is
righteous does not mean that your chosen response will be. This is why the Bible instructs us to never
go to bed angry[1]. This little nugget of wisdom in effect is
telling us to address anger before it builds up into something that might cause
a blast later. The Bible also instructs
us to “speak the truth in love[2]”;
loosely translated, be assertive – tell the truth, be honest, but show a caring
attitude, especially when you are saying things that might hurt (e.g.
criticism).
Practical Application: Offering Criticism Assertively
As
a supervisor of staff, I have had to practice “speaking the truth in love”
quite often, when giving feedback or doing performance appraisals. There is something inherently
anxiety-provoking about performance appraisals to begin with. We always go in a little nervous, and we
worry that some silly mistake we didn’t know we made will come back to haunt
us. Who needs to have a review that is
riddled with loads of negative criticism and only spotted with positive feedback?
Many supervisors make the
mistake of thinking that the performance review is their opportunity to take
their shots at employees for all the mistakes they have made since their last
review. Personally, I have never had
much respect for a supervisor who cannot speak to an issue when it arises, but
waits 6 months to blindside an unsuspecting employee at his/her performance
review. Why not offer ongoing
feedback? Supervisors could use each
informal feedback session as an opportunity to see if their employee have some
specific learning or development needs in order for them to do their job more
efficiently. Ongoing feedback also
allows the supervisor to “nip problem areas in the bud” rather than letting
them go for extended periods of time without any intervention.
The problem in following through with this
concept lies in the fact that most people prefer to avoid confrontation. We would rather wait until the 6 month or 1
year review and get it over with all at once rather than having to continually
address problems. However, if we are to
be effective as supervisors, and if we expect to get the most out of our
employees, ongoing feedback is the way to go.
Remember there is a difference between constructive and destructive
criticism. Constructive criticism is the
only kind that should be flowing from
supervisor to employee. Destructive
criticism erodes self-esteem and morale, and contributes to an unhealthy work
environment.
When
in a supervisory role, T.S.A. is not the best formula to use, especially when
feelings should not have that much influence on what is supposed to be an
objective report (right?). The approach
I most appreciate, and the one that I aspire to emulate when giving feedback is
this:
Ask. Start by opening up a dialogue. Ask how things are going, if they are
experiencing difficulties in any specific areas, what kind of support do they
need from you. Some people are totally
oblivious to the fact that they are experiencing difficulty or that they
require support. In this case, you would
want to point out the areas in which you notice they are having trouble. How do we do this while instilling confidence
in the employee that we believe they are capable of making the required
improvements?
Say.
“These are some the
things that I have observed…they indicate to me that you might be having
difficulty in this area.” I do not
believe that it is a supervisor’s role to tear down an employee’s self esteem;
I would rather view a supervisor as a mentor, who is available to teach, assist
and support in the learning of new skills.
This does not mean that we do not set boundaries, and
work on goals, deadlines, quotas, whatever is necessary to measure improved
performance. It might even be necessary
to indicate that “disciplinary” or “remedial” action might take place in future
if the behaviours taking place (or lacking) are having a negative effect on the
workplace. The key to making these kind
of “heavy” statements supportively is in our body language
and our tone, as much as it is in the words we choose. (See next chapter on Body Language). What happens now that you have given your feedback?
Continue the dialogue. Ask if they can see the merit of the feedback that you have given. What kind of support do they require from you
as a supervisor? It might help if you
come armed with resource materials that address the problem areas, and offer
copies of them to the employee. Let him
know you are on his side, and you want to see him succeed in his job. If you
have struggled with similar challenges in the past, if might prove helpful to
share that, and pass on the resources that assisted you in overcoming those
challenges. You then become allies, not enemies.
Most of all, apply your
listening skills. Give lots of opportunities for him to think
aloud about the discourse so far, to internalize what he has heard, and to work
through any areas of the review that he thinks are unfair or unfounded. Remember we don’t see things as they are, but
as we are. You must allow for the possibility
that you could be wrong about some things due to the way you see things.
I
promise you, this method is more effective than the old “sandwich” method: give
a little good feedback, fill the sandwich with negative comments, then gloss it
over with another slice of “…but, you’re a valued staff, so work on these
things and everything will be just fine”.
Proverbs 11:25 says
this: “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be
refreshed.” Think of the awesome
opportunity you have as a person in authority to contribute to the lives of
those who serve under you! Consider it
well. Do you want a reputation as an
unfair, overly critical, unhelpful boss, or do you want to be remembered as one
who refreshed and encouraged others?
u
“Making
others better is a boomerang”.
–
John L. Mason
u
I realize that
I am digressing from the topic of assertiveness a bit, but I want to drive home
the value of this skill. Without
assertiveness, we cannot contribute to others in as meaningful a way as we are
capable. Take careful note of these
words from John Mason’s book, An Enemy Called Average.
We should look for opportunities to invest
of ourselves in others and help make them better.
Somebody did that for you once. Somebody saw something in you and reached out
to help you. That act of kindness has
determined where you are today. It may
have been your pastor, your parents, a friend, a teacher, coach, neighbour, or
just someone who offered some extra money, prayers, good advice or equipment
and supplies. But whoever it was, that
individual had the foresight and the resources to invest in you and take a risk
on your future.
…Take a few minutes and reach out to help
someone else get ahead. You will find
that this will be one of the most satisfying experiences you’ve had in a long
time.
(John L. Mason, 1990)
Assertiveness
is the skill required to approach someone confidently, and to offer help when
you know they are struggling. It is
having the ability to say without fear or apprehension, “I think, I feel, I
want…” How many passive people wish they
could help, but are afraid to offer? How
many aggressive people can only say, “I want…” when what they really mean is “I
need…”? Assertiveness is what enables
you to say, “I am struggling, and I need help.”
Some
of you might not be struggling with this concept, but I know that there are
those out there who do not believe that they can be assertive. Think about this: when you ask a sales-clerk
to help you find an item in a store, you are being assertive. When you hail a cab, you are being
assertive. When you initiate looking for
work, you are being assertive. When you
asked your wife to marry you, you were being assertive! So, don’t tell me you don’t have it in you to
be assertive. Stop thinking of
assertively expressing your feelings as a prelude to conflict!
Why not
challenge your beliefs about what might
happen when you say how you really feel.
You can do this by evaluating each situation on a conscious level. Use the self-evaluation tool provided for you
in Step Three, and face down the demons inside your head. Assertiveness pays in multiple dividends with
higher returns than you could ever imagine.
Try it for yourself. Even if your
investment is minimal, but it is made with complete sincerity, you will see
immediate returns.
Excerpted from my book, Anger
Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Managing Your
Emotions
Julie
Christiansen